The need to feel accepted by others is a fundamental aspect of human nature. We yearn to be cherished, to feel needed, and to hold a special place in someone’s heart. Yet, this longing for acceptance can spiral into an unhealthy obsession when we relentlessly seek external validation from others. The struggle to gain approval and affirmation is a reflection of a deeper issue – our failure to place God at the center of our hearts. Consequently, we become enslaved by the expectations of others and endure profound suffering when, instead of the acceptance we crave, we are met with rejections. 

1 Corinthians 7:23 states, “You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men.” Those who excessively seek approval and acceptance from others often spend much of their lives consumed with how to please them. They live to hear phrases like, “Well done!” or “What would I do without you?” Yet, even if they hear them a hundred times a day, it will never be enough. We all know someone like this – a mother who lives to please a spoiled child, a woman who shields her alcoholic husband, a child devoted to an abusive parent, or someone caring for a bitter relative who refuses help form anyone else. Or perhaps you are that person, seeking to save someone in order to feel valued. Despite knowing the consequences of this behavior, you find yourself trapped in a vicious cycle of your own making.

While Jesus taught us to serve rather than to be served, we must also recognize that God does not intend for us to become slaves to anyone. Instead, he desires for us to build healthy relationships. However, we cannot cultivate such relationships without first understanding that we all carry a void within our souls – a void that only God can fill.

Psychology suggests that unresolved childhood traumas can lead to this type of behavior, which can be true in many cases. Many of us come from dysfunctional families, leaving serious issues unresolved and hoping that time would heal all wounds. Yet, time only proved that the problems we once buried would later resurface in compulsive behaviors – seeking relief in pleasing others, much like turning to sedatives or alcohol. Psychology calls this codependency, but the Bible refers to it as idolatry, as it demands that we prioritize others above God.

In Matthew 10:37, it says: “Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” In other words, if the need to be accepted by someone surpasses our devotion to God, we have placed an idol in our hearts. Ultimately, what we’re searching for is to fill the void in our souls.

This form of idolatry leads individuals to set aside their own desires, goals, and emotions as they devote themselves entirely to saving or rescuing another person. All their attention and energy are directed towards the person they serve, who is often troubled, conflicted, ill, addicted, and even abusive. Those suffering from this condition neither confront their abuser nor seek to escape, convinced that their sacrifice is essential for the survival of both. Yet, behind this sense of responsibility lies a deep emptiness they attempt to fill through their sacrifice. This is a grave issue, as it diminishes the significance of the ultimate sacrifice Jesus made for all of us on the cross.

To understand our compulsive need for acceptance from others, we need to understand the fear of being rejected. Rejection wounds us deeply, and some of us try to avoid it at all cost. This fear is as a spiritual force that Satan uses to distort our genuine identity, which is derived from God. Satan himself was the first to encounter rejection when he rebelled against God and was subsequently expelled from Heaven (Revelation 12:9). Having been rejected himself, he seeks to instill in us that same fear of rejection.

Experiencing rejection from those we care about can deeply affect us, especially when we long for their approval and yearn to be accepted. This fixation can lead us into a downward spiral of despair, pushing us to extreme lengths to earn their approval. The story of Jacob and Esau, the sons of Isaac, demonstrates the extent to which we go in order to feel accepted. According to the Bible, Esau was favored by Isaac, while Jacob was loved by Rebekah. This favoritism caused Jacob to feel rejected by his father. When Isaac was old and his vision had faded, Jacob resorted to concealing his true identity, disguising himself as his brother to get his father’s approval and the blessing that was due to Esau. He wore Esau’s clothes and covered his hands and neck with goat skins to mimic Esau’s hairiness. Upon discovering the truth, Esau harbored a deep resentment toward Jacob and set out to kill him, which ultimately compelled Jacob to escape from his own family to a foreign land (Genesis 25:27-44). In his relentless pursuit of his father’s approval, Jacob was willing to sacrifice everything, including putting his own life at stake, to earn the love and place that Esau held in his father’s eyes.

It’s possible for us to feel emotionally orphaned from a living parent, mentally divorced from our spouse, or disconnected from our children, which can leave us feeling rejected. In our efforts to seek their attention, we may find ourselves pretending to be someone we’re not, much like Jacob in the Bible. Similarly, we may also disguise ourselves as the favorite, the successful one, or the one who has everything figured out, just to impress others and gain their approval.

What we may be looking for in our quest for acceptance is for others to affirm our worth and value. And perhaps rejection serves as a gentle nudge from God, reminding us that our true value and worth can only be found in Him. We cannot rely on others to validate our worth. The true validation comes from the One who made the ultimate sacrifice for us, and we already have it. This love surpasses all other forms of love and gives us the strength to love others unconditionally, even those who reject us.

As believers, our primary responsibility is to place God at the forefront of our lives. This requires our willingness to let go of any attachments, even the believes and traditions that come with them, if they contradict our faith. It can be difficult to challenge the traditions upheld by our parents, as they once provided us with the opportunity to create lasting memories with our family. Nevertheless, we must be prepared to obey God and relinquish any idols associated with our traditions, even if it means enduring the heartache of being rejected by our loved ones. The fact is, not everyone will accept us, and there is nothing we can do to change that.

When Jesus came to save us, He knew that He would face opposition. He knew that He would have to endure the ultimate sacrifice and face death on the cross. Despite all this, He chose not to remain silent to avoid inconveniencing those who opposed him. Instead, He fearlessly confronted them, even in the face of their rejection and hostility. His focus was on spreading His love for all of humanity. His greatest longing was to spend eternity with us, and He went to extraordinary lengths to make that a reality. Neither rejection nor death could deter Him from going down the Via Dolorosa, and all the way to Calvary to die.

Sometimes, it can be difficult to accept who we are – especially when we compare ourselves to others and see that our achievements don’t measure up, that we aren’t as strong or as beautiful as others. In those moments, we seek refuge in something or someone outside ourselves to feel worthy. But the truth is, no one will ever love us the way God does. Perhaps unresolved childhood wounds have taken root, manifesting as a compulsive need for acceptance – a mechanism for emotional security. Yet, deep down, you know this security remains out of reach. Every day, you wake up striving harder to please someone who has become your master, enslaving you to their approval. Whatever the cause of this behavior, the Lord stands ready to heal your heart.

Do not fear revisiting those past experiences in your mind, this time you will do so with the Lord by your side. Lay every experience at His feet and embrace the freedom He longs to give you. It may not be easy, but the Lord will be with you every step of the way. Forgive those you need to forgive and seek forgiveness from those you have wronged. Forgiveness is the cornerstone of the gospel. This is why Jesus came – to forgive and save us, and to teach us how to love others. Surround yourself with people who will encourage you, pray for you, and join you in fasting. Persevere in prayer, in reading and obeying the Bible, and in fellowship with others who love the Lord. You will be amazed to discover that you are not alone. There are others who share your struggles – or endure even greater ones – but continue to press on, hand in hand with the Lord every day.

Your life doesn’t have to be an eternal sacrifice. God has a better plan, and He will reveal it to you as you seek Him with all your heart. At last, you will realize that you no longer have to live to please others, for the Lord has already sacrificed Himself for all of us. You no longer need to strive to be anyone’s favorite, because you are already God’s favorite. He is madly in love with you – so much so that he chose to die rather than spend eternity without you.

Pray with me: Heavenly Father, today I open my heart to You and expose my most painful memories. You know my past, my fears, my insecurities, and the anxiety that grips me. I surrender everything to You and ask You to heal my heart. I confess that I have placed others above You, seeking their validation instead of Yours. Please forgive me. Set me free from the endless need for approval and the desire to prove my worth to the world. Lord Jesus, I trust that You will strengthen me each day so I may find refuge only in You. You are more than enough for me. Your thoughts and ways are higher than mine, and Your plans for me are plans of peace to give me a future filled with hope. I receive Your forgiveness, Your freedom, and Your unconditional love. Thank You for saving me on the cross.